Flash Fiction: Lycan and the Zombie Cowboy Monkeys of Doom

flash fiction zombie werewolf doom story tale makakIn this week’s flash fiction competition, Chuck Wendig asks, no orders us to go bat-shit crazy with our flash fiction. He wants Pulp fiction and craziness. Now, I’ve never written pulp fiction before but I have more than enough crazy so I’m hoping that It can compensate.

So, what was I going to write about? Werewolves? Zombies? Monkeys? Cowboys? Private detectives? Nah, how about all them?

Hope you like it. If you do, please leave a comment. If not, leave a comment but be nice? 🙂

Flash Fiction: Lycan and the Zombie Cowboy Monkeys of Doom

Lycan leaned back in his office chair and absent-mindedly scratched his desk with a long claw. He smelt something in the air, the smell of perfume and cigarettes and more importantly blood. He did his best to ignore the blood part. He was only narrowly avoiding being thrown out of his apartment for lack of rent, and eating his clients wasn’t going to do his bank balance any good. He tipped his hat over his eyes and waited for the woman to enter his office. She stood in the doorway, her blonde hair bouncing off the fox skin draped around her neck, and wearing a red dress that was only just keeping everything in.

‘Mr. Lycan? I need your help’ she said breathlessly.

Lycan looked up and grinned. His rows of gleaming white teeth sparkled at her; she smiled back at him and walked seductively over to his desk.

‘How can I help you, ma’am?’ Lycan took his paws off the desk and stared at her inserting a cigarette between his black lips.

‘Lisette, please.’

‘Lisette’ he corrected. ‘So what’s the problem?’

‘I’m being followed’ she said, leaning over his desk forcing her assets closer and closer to his face. Lycan did his best to control his urges; he’d skipped lunch which was never a good idea. He stood up and walked over to the window and stared outside into the street in order to keep his cool and avoid eating another paying customer ‘Followed? By who?’

‘Monkeys!’

‘You were followed by monkeys?’

‘Yes, but there was something different about them. They were wearing little cowboy outfits and they didn’t look very well.’

Lycan stood up very quickly ‘Maam did you let them bite you?’

Lisette looked shocked ‘Of course not! I’m not that kind of girl.’ An alluring smile crossed her lips as she closed in on Lycan and stroked the fur on his cheeks. ‘I can probably be convinced though.’

The urge to eat her returned to Lycan although he felt it came from a different source this time. ‘Maam, please this is important.’

Lisette seemed to grasp the seriousness of the situation; her smile dropped ‘Who are they? What do they want?’

Taking out another cigarette and lighting it he inhaled; pausing for dramatic effect. ‘They’re the Zombie Cowboy Monkey’s of Doom.’

‘The Zombie Cowboy Monkey’s of Doom?’ she repeated. ‘What do they want?’

‘They want what any dead monkey dressed as a cowboy wants: The total destruction of the planet.’

‘Do you think this has anything to do with the planet-sized defence laser my father has been working on?’

‘My god, you’re Lisette Catzendogs. The Daughter of the Eisenberg Catzendogs, the nuclear physicist?

Lycan prematurely extinguished his cigarette ‘When did you see the monkey’s last?’

‘I’m sure I saw something when I entered the building. They were just going into a room on the ground floor. I think it was the lounge.’

Lycan snarled angrily. ‘Oh no. They have no right to come in here. Stay here. I have to go and kick some zombie cowboy monkey ass.’ He’d turned round to leave his office when Lisette grabbed his arm.

‘What if they climb up the fire escape and attack me while I’m here?’

‘Damn! Good point. You’d best come with me but stay quiet.’

They left the office; the cleaners had long since left and the few lights left on in the building flickered randomly.

‘How do you know these zombie cowboy monkeys?’ Lisette whispered.

‘We’ve met before. They tried to fill congress with a bunch of dead, mush-brained chimps.’

‘My god! Did it work?’

‘Well…’ Lycan was interrupted by a noise coming from the lounge downstairs. A sort of hushed, shuffling noise and the lounge lights were turned off.

‘You stay here. If I can surprise them I can get the drop on them.’ Lisette quickly looked at her watch and grabbed Lycan by the arm again.

‘Are you sure that’s the right approach?’ she said. ‘You don’t know how many are in there.’

‘I’ll be fine ma’am. No matter how many of them there are they are no match for me.’

‘If you’re sure. I’ll stay here then.’

Lycan nodded and silently bounced off towards the room. He paused only briefly when he got to the door before charging through the door into the darkness.

‘SURPRISE!’

The lights came on and Lycan found himself right in the middle of a party, his party.

‘Oh my god’ Lycan said with a confused grin. ‘What is this? I thought…’

‘Sorry to lie to you, big guy.’ Lisette walked through the door behind him ‘I’m not really the daughter of a nuclear physicist either, I’m the entertainment.’

‘What? You thought we didn’t know about your birthday.’ Said one of his co-workers slurring his way though each word and grinning inanely. ‘Have a drink and let Lisette get ready for her performance.’

A drink was thrust into Lycan’s hand and the music got steadily louder. Within minutes Lycan had forgotten all about the zombie cowboy monkeys and was enjoying himself at the best party he’d ever had.

As Lycan smiled, drank and mingled, a cupboard door opened slightly and a pair of milky yellow eyes watched him closely from inside.

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10 thoughts on “Flash Fiction: Lycan and the Zombie Cowboy Monkeys of Doom”

  1. I always knew those dead monkey cowboys were up to no good. I’ll be keeping an eye on them. 😐

    Very funny, and good use of the old noir PI cliches.

    The only thing I had a bit of trouble with was relating to the characters, since it’s a bit unclear what species or types of creature they are. I assume Lycan is a werewolf, and Lisette a human, or…? A bit more description of them might be good – otherwise great work!

    1. Yep, Lycan was the werewolf and Lisette was a human but I think I was a little light on the description.

      I forget that people can’t (or don’t want to) see what I see in my head 🙂

  2. Eisenberg Catzendogs, mentioned in the story, is the physicist responsible for the Eisenberg Uncertainty of Zombies Principle. If you have a box with a monkey dressed as a cowboy inside, it could be either alive or dead until you open the box. But don’t open it, because it’s probably a zombie.

    …The More You Know…

    1. ‘It’s good to learn. Knowledge is power.’

      I’m not sure if you’re familiar with his papers on Philosophy…

      “They eat brains, therefore they are.”
      “What’s the sound of one chimp snacking?’
      “If a zombie cowboy growls in the woods but no-one’s around to here it, does it still make a noise?

  3. Funny and I’m not sure any story could go wrong that was willing to repeatedly say “Zombie Cowboy Monkies of Doom”.

    I have to ask though, when Lisette says: “I’m being followed?” and “Monkeys?” are the question marks typos or is she actually saying it in a questioning manner because she isn’t quite sure about the story she’s been told to tell him?

    1. I wish I could say it was the latter, and I suppose it would kind of make sense she wouldn’t quite believe her own story as she was only repeating something she was told to say.

      However, they were both typos I’m afraid. On that day, I must have felt that the question mark was being nationally under-used and I wanted to raise its profile.

      Glad you liked it, in any case.

      1. Easy way to solve the problem: delete these comments and if anyone else asks claim it as foreshadowing. 🙂 retconned reality is the best kind of reality.

        1. Maybe I constructed this entire comments thread to hide an even greater sin.

          “Hide a lie behind an even bigger lie” – someone from X-Files said it I think.

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