Today’s Postaday daily prompt is…
“Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?”
This is quite the question to ask of the emotional marathon man that is me.
Since a very early age, circumstance has taught me to bottle absolutely everything up. Anger and fear should only ever be expressed in a light-hearted, jovial manner, and all the more positive emotions such as happiness, love, generosity etc should be secured even more tightly, for surely there is nothing as weak as a happy and pleasant person.
I know the above isn’t logical, but you try telling my sub-conscious that. It delights in protecting me from all emotion, and ensuring I try to live as hollow and as clinical a life as possible. As a young man this was the double aged sword of protecting me from all the hurt of possible romantic rejection, but at the same time it stopped me from taking any chances at all, in regards to romance. In short I was protecting myself from a situation that I had put myself into.
Luckily, and I don’t know which gods (higher or lower) were smiling on me the night I met my future wife, but from that point she has done her absolute best to smash through these barriers, and fair play to her, she has done an astounding job. In fact in some social situations, I could almost be considered normal.
All this pre-amble doesn’t answer the question, out of all the suppressed emotions nestling for submission in my soul, which is the one I find hardest to suppress? Well it’s anxiety. Is anxiety an emotion? Well, in this case it is.
Anxiety is the exception to my subconscious rule. This feeling has a free rein to run amok, and destroy anything it wants. Any thought what-so-ever is warped and polluted by this rather unnecessary evil, and these thoughts happen anywhere and without warning….
- standing up on a bus
- Imagined scenarios (How a Motorbike made me Feel Useless)
- Ringing someone up
- Not planning a route thoroughly
… most of these thoughts stem from my OCD. I know this, however it doesn’t stop me feeling sick with nerves or sweating profusely.
Though, writing posts like this helps. I’m telling people but I’m not actually physically telling people. The more I write about the stuff that goes in my head, the more it helps me to get some semblance of control over it.
Well, that’s enough about me. Which of your emotions do you allow out of the box most often?
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