Zoltar BIG Tom Hanks“In a reversal of Big, the Tom Hanks classic from the 80s, your adult self is suddenly locked in the body of a 12-year-old kid. How do you survive your first day back in school?”

Right, well as with most of the daily prompts, I do like to mire about in the semantics. My guess is that the situation would play out in the opposite way to that of the Tom Hanks film, Big. Basically, the year or time wouldn’t change, but I would exist as I did when I was 12 rather than the fantastic and not at all creaky age of 34.

The prompt does say how I would deal with my first day in school, but I wouldn’t even be enrolled in one, and the school system as it is at the moment would mean I probably wouldn’t find a place near me for some time. I couldn’t even go back to school and give all the bullies, a darn good thrashing as they would all be 35 still and any fights would be a little one-sided.

The more I think about the situation the weirder and scarier it becomes. Although my wife would know me and hopefully still love me for who I am once she got over trying to understand the near brain-exploding existential crisis, we would then both have to deal with the fact that any kind of romantic relation would be right off the cards. Does such a thing as temporal pedophilia exist? Not sure, but I suspect my wife would have a hard time explaining the situation to the police if anything so bizarrely untoward did (or even could) happen.

That’s just the tip of the ‘huh-iceberg’. Assuming we could both get by in some kind of twisted mother-son relationship; our household income would be way down. I couldn’t just turn up for work as a twelve year old, though I’m sure they would be impressed about the level of internal knowledge I had of the company there are child labour laws that they would have to stick to. Basically, I would have to get a paper-round, either that or try to convince them that I have to work from home forever and that verbal or face-to-face contact with any employees can’t happen, for a complex and hitherto undiscovered psychological reason.

What about my tattoo’s though? They’d all disappear one would presume, and I’ve spent a lot of time and money and those, and I’d have to wait another six years to get them replaced, by which time the tattooist could have retired or moved city.

…and just how would I explain all this to the Tax office…

All that is not to say that there aren’t advantages to being twelve again. I could start watching my weight from the very point that I needed to, rather than several years and stone down the line.

I could start my writing career properly from scratch and not just fall into the first job that I could be bothered to stay in, and then try to crow-bar writing around a 45hr a week job.

I guess all this goes to show just why we should go through time forwards. We are who we are because of the time we lived in, the people we met, the things we watched and read, the fights we got into, the kisses we had. Dropping anyone out of their own time into an alien one disrupts everything that person had linked to in their life, friends, loved ones, jobs, even pop-culture…

It would be like dropping a salmon on to the surface of Mars…


8 thoughts on “Small?”

  1. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought at about this prompt as you did, thinking about being transported to being 12 but still in the year 2014. I was so distracted but the difficulties of suddenly being a 12 year-old with a husband and a baby (and a mortgage!) that I couldn’t even think about how to answer. I have a feeling the author meant for us to say what we’d do if we were 12 again in the year we were actually 12 years old but, wow, was that not clear!

    1. The two ways of thinking about it are very different, but I think it was more interesting to think about it the way we did. There are far more ramifications this way round than the other. I imagine if it was the other way around, most of us would just try to remember some winning lottery numbers, invent Facebook first or beat the crap out of our school bullies… 🙂

  2. In Florida, the marital relations would be perfectly fine. Judging by the number of teachers arrested for it over the years, I suspect there is a whole lot more going on than gets caught. Just don’t tell your buddies. That seems to be when the jig is up.

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