Tag Archives: Anxiety

Holy Crap! What a Turnaround

For those who have returned to this blog time and time again to read my endless and persistent whining about the difficulties I sometimes have in regards to work, sleeping and generally being just as fabulous as I often tend to think I’m not.

Well, over the past two weeks, it’s like someone has waved a magic wand over me. The troubles I had,  all melted away to nothing. What can I think is the reason behind this? Winning the lottery? Becoming famous? Maybe I’d found ‘The Hidden Treasure of the Sierra Madre?’ Continue reading Holy Crap! What a Turnaround

Still? Really?

It’s amazing how there are some mental triggers that never truly go away.

No matter how old you get, or however much you try to logically think round them, there’s normally some stuff, some tiny little silly thing that can mentally bring us to our knees.

Everybody has something like that to some extent, and how we deal with it (or not as the case may be) is different for all of us.

Is it the offhand comment from a loved one that makes us reach for the big jumper and ice cream, or the casual joke that makes us so angry we want to slap someone. Maybe, it’s just that odd glance someone just gave you that makes you rush to the bathroom and check you don’t have anything on your face. They come in many forms.

One of my biggest triggers and I’ve had it since secondary school (high school for any US readers) is that the sound of teenage girls laughing makes me very nervous and paranoid, I feel as if they are laughing at me.

That, ladies and gentleman is how you make your ego work against you.

Even to this day, when I have, in comparison a fairly ok self body image it still gets me. It gets me to the point that I actively try and listen to them.

Here’s the thing. I’m not sure if I’m listening to prove they’re not talking about me, or listening to prove they are.

I never really find out if course. Well not to a point where I have an answer I’m happy with. Is there an answer is be happy with.

Oscar Wilde himself said…

“There’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s not being talked about.”

The important thing to remember is that without confirmation the negative emotion attached to this thought has been conjured up by nothing more than a baseless opinion.

Though despite what you know, there’ll always be something that can find that chink in your armour.

We are all human after all.

Give me Just a Little More Time.

traffic journey commute work cars traffic jam

Right, well my plan seemed fairly simple today. Head out reasonably early, go on a half an hour bike ride and then end up at a popular branded coffee shop chain for a gorgeous cup o’ the black stuff. Where upon I would retrieve ‘yon trusty laptop’ and write a blog post about my new job and why I am so excited.

Although, now I’m sitting at the popular branded coffee shop with my gorgeous cup o’ the black stuff I find that I can’t connect to the internet. For the love of god, won’t someone think of the children.

No… internet… can’t function. Can’t… see cat videos on Youtube or see what people had for lunch on Facebook. Oh, actually that clearly doesn’t matter but it does put a bit of a crimp on blogging. Blogging not writing, so like network connections of the late nineties, this post is going to have delay of about half an hour. Or so I thought until I remembered my phone has tethering.

All that is completely unimportant and rather dull, sadly. However it was just a segway that apparently went on far longer than it should have.

Anyway, about my new job. After looking on and off for a new job for about a year and gradually becoming in more and more of a worse state, I’ve been offered a new job, and rather obviously I’ve taken it.

From a work level it is so much more suited to the way I work and what I can do, but I’m not going to really touch on that because although it is a good reason, it is only the secondary reason for why I moved.

The primary reason is time. Currently, because I can’t drive I am reliant on public transport and my journey to and from work can in the worst of journey’s take away 3 hours of my life. My new job is half an hour away.

Let’s just do the rough maths on those figures. A difference of 2 hours traveling every work day, works out at 10 hours saved a week, 40 hours saved a month, and about 500 hrs or over 20 days’ worth of my time saved over the year.

20 days! Its phenomenal when you think of it in those terms. For the neh-sayers out there who would tell me that I could never actually use all twenty hours of that time, a lot of it would be frittered away on other things. Like the ten pounds you withdraw from an ATM for a one pound item and because you have that change in your pocket it gets spent on other crap things you may not have bought if you didn’t have the change.

Is it like that? Yeah, maybe.

Ultimately the point is that my new job is a lot less demanding on my personal life. A consistent twelve-hour work day has brought on anxiety and stress which has exacerbated my insomnia, which in turn added to my anxiety and stress and so on. It’s not a viable way of working. I certainly don’t love my job to death.

In short, I just have this feeling that 2015 is going to be a bit more happy-happy-joy-joy than 2014, which in it’s own horrible and unique way was a large bucket of pigs offal with so much crap going on both personally and with friends and family that it is best buried deep, and never thought of again. Rather like Dharma & Greg in that respect.

Starting to be Great

Well, here we are again. Another week has gone by (probably, I haven’t checked the date but it certainly feels like it) and its time that I drag myself out of my pit to write one of the daily prompts.

Today’s prompt has a pictorial theme to it

“Pick a random word and do Google image search on it. Check out the eleventh picture it brings up. Write about whatever that image brings to mind.”

I’m not entirely sure whether the word I chose was random by a dictionary definition but it did kinda pop into my head so I’m counting it.

My word was ‘Starting’ and the eleventh picture in Google pointed to this little image here, ably shown on www.dizzymomchronicles.com.

Starting Great Proverb Saying Phrase

“You don’t have to be great to start, but you do have to start to be great”

Words that are a lot wiser than I initially thought and they are permeating every element of my life.

Particularly, I will rarely start anything unless I can be sure that everything has been planed and catered for, so that in the event of anything going wrong I am fully prepared for all eventualities. On the outset this doesn’t sound so bad, after all what can be so bad about mitigating risk and bad events that could add complications further down on the line?

Well, normally nothing when used sparingly, however I tend to go a little bit over the top and I attempt to plan for anything and everything that may happen, from slight bumps in the road to massive catastrophes, the end result being that I don’t actually start to do the thing that I am planning so hard for.

If you’re familiar with the UK Sitcom Red Dwarf, a character called Arnold Rimmer was desperate to become an Officer in the Space corp, but he could never pass his Astro-Navigation exam, in fact he had failed it thirteen times (though this changes depending on the episode)

Apart from his inability to sit them, he would spend months planning for his exams. He would create the perfect revision plan that covered everything in a practical and inclusive way. The trouble was by the time his plan was finished he only had a single night to study everything, and that was too late.

I can certainly relate.

After a while, I find phrases like ‘Well, I can’t do that until’ or ‘It would easier doing that later’ creeping into my excuse diary. (oh, if you don’t have an excuse diary it can be quite handy at making you see just how many excuses you’re making for things.)

I never start, because I have set myself ridiculously high standards. I read through the novel that I’m writing (and have re-started three times, by the way). I read through it, and decide internally that just because the opening draft doesn’t read like a best seller that there is no point in continuing with it. Which I know logically, is as daft as saying because a baby doesn’t look like an adult that they’ll never grow up. However logical mind and crazy mind rarely see eye to eye on these things. Crazy mind tells me that if I don’t start I can’t fail, so it’s all safe.

This is why I have  my goals for this year are about continual movement not a jump-start. I’ll keep moving on all the things I want to do and not let myself get distracted by, well myself really. I’m just trying to get into the process of doing things without worrying that the end result won’t be perfect. After all, it will be even less perfect if I don’t start.

>So are you impulsive or a procrastinator? Which are you?

Egotistical Absurdity

Cousin It adams family long hair monsterYet more time away from the blog not commenting on stuff in a random and I hope fairly interesting way, but I find myself in the rather unenviable position of not really being arsed to do anything. Pro-activity is not really my buzzword at the moment.

Having said all that, I’ve found a few minutes out of my day to write something. I’m not entirely sure what it’s going to be or where it’s going to go, but at least it’s something.

“We all have that one eccentric relative who always says and does the strangest things. In your family, who’s that person, and what is it that earned him/her that reputation?”

Continue reading Egotistical Absurdity

Dear Owner…

guinea pigs pets brown blackSo sorry that it has been a long time since I’ve posted anything. In short over the past few weeks, my anxiety and OCD has got much worse;  being woken up at 04:00 feeling nervous and anxious as hell for no good reason every single morning, to then mentally try to attribute it to something is as fun as it sounds. Not to mention the other feelings of anxiety that pop up and make me feel sick through-out the rest of the day.

Continue reading Dear Owner…

Worry Wart

Fear Scared terror eyes afraidWell, it’s that time again. It’s lunchtime, I’ve stuffed a piri piri ham sandwich down my throat and now I’m raring to get on with today’s daily prompt, which I believe is one that I rather enjoy, although often find it tricky to do without rambling incoherently.

“Our ten-minute free-write is back! Have no mercy on your keyboard as you give us your most unfiltered self (feel free to edit later, or just publish as-is).”

In short, I have ten minutes to write about something, and as I never think it is worth preparing for these things, I apologise ahead of time if this is just a meaningless ramble.

Continue reading Worry Wart