Tag Archives: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Still? Really?

It’s amazing how there are some mental triggers that never truly go away.

No matter how old you get, or however much you try to logically think round them, there’s normally some stuff, some tiny little silly thing that can mentally bring us to our knees.

Everybody has something like that to some extent, and how we deal with it (or not as the case may be) is different for all of us.

Is it the offhand comment from a loved one that makes us reach for the big jumper and ice cream, or the casual joke that makes us so angry we want to slap someone. Maybe, it’s just that odd glance someone just gave you that makes you rush to the bathroom and check you don’t have anything on your face. They come in many forms.

One of my biggest triggers and I’ve had it since secondary school (high school for any US readers) is that the sound of teenage girls laughing makes me very nervous and paranoid, I feel as if they are laughing at me.

That, ladies and gentleman is how you make your ego work against you.

Even to this day, when I have, in comparison a fairly ok self body image it still gets me. It gets me to the point that I actively try and listen to them.

Here’s the thing. I’m not sure if I’m listening to prove they’re not talking about me, or listening to prove they are.

I never really find out if course. Well not to a point where I have an answer I’m happy with. Is there an answer is be happy with.

Oscar Wilde himself said…

“There’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s not being talked about.”

The important thing to remember is that without confirmation the negative emotion attached to this thought has been conjured up by nothing more than a baseless opinion.

Though despite what you know, there’ll always be something that can find that chink in your armour.

We are all human after all.

Egotistical Absurdity

Cousin It adams family long hair monsterYet more time away from the blog not commenting on stuff in a random and I hope fairly interesting way, but I find myself in the rather unenviable position of not really being arsed to do anything. Pro-activity is not really my buzzword at the moment.

Having said all that, I’ve found a few minutes out of my day to write something. I’m not entirely sure what it’s going to be or where it’s going to go, but at least it’s something.

“We all have that one eccentric relative who always says and does the strangest things. In your family, who’s that person, and what is it that earned him/her that reputation?”

Continue reading Egotistical Absurdity

Dear Owner…

guinea pigs pets brown blackSo sorry that it has been a long time since I’ve posted anything. In short over the past few weeks, my anxiety and OCD has got much worse;  being woken up at 04:00 feeling nervous and anxious as hell for no good reason every single morning, to then mentally try to attribute it to something is as fun as it sounds. Not to mention the other feelings of anxiety that pop up and make me feel sick through-out the rest of the day.

Continue reading Dear Owner…

Worry Wart

Fear Scared terror eyes afraidWell, it’s that time again. It’s lunchtime, I’ve stuffed a piri piri ham sandwich down my throat and now I’m raring to get on with today’s daily prompt, which I believe is one that I rather enjoy, although often find it tricky to do without rambling incoherently.

“Our ten-minute free-write is back! Have no mercy on your keyboard as you give us your most unfiltered self (feel free to edit later, or just publish as-is).”

In short, I have ten minutes to write about something, and as I never think it is worth preparing for these things, I apologise ahead of time if this is just a meaningless ramble.

Continue reading Worry Wart

Sudden Downpour

downpour rain torrential wet water soak stormWell, with still some time to spare today and the thought of not knowing when I’ll get the time to blog again (It does seem to be in the realm of weeks now and not days. Must sort that out, sharpish) I figured I would have a go at today’s Postaday from The daily Post, which is…

“It was sunny when you left home, so you didn’t take an umbrella. An hour later, you’re caught in a torrential downpour. You run into the first store you can find — it happens to be a dark, slightly shabby antique store, full of old artefacts, books, and dust. The shop’s ancient proprietor walks out of the back room to greet you. Tell us what happens next!”

I look back towards the door, and out into the street wondering if it would be better to run to the next available shop or to risk contracting some form of bronchial mildew from the musty items in the shop. Continue reading Sudden Downpour

Shockingly OCD

Electrocution shock voltage singedAs I have mentioned a few times on this blog, and will no doubt mention a few more times, I have OCD. It’s not life crippling and in many ways I can go about my daily business without anyone other than myself being any the wiser.

However, it is one of the purposes of this blog to write about the weird crazy poop that runs through my brain, to educate and in another sense to try to exorcise some of this stuff.

So what thoughts are rampaging their way through my subconscious at the moment? Which thought is dominating my mind and filling my imagination with less than beautiful images? Well, it’s electrocution.

That’s right. Electrocution is my buzz word for the past few days and, this electrocution is from a very specific source. I believe, that when handling a plugged in power charger (phone, laptop, tablet, doesn’t matter) that I am going to put the end in my mouth. I actually think I am going to lick the end of a live, plugged-in-to-the-mains charger.

Of course, when I say I think I am going do this, I actually know I’m not. The logical part of my mind, clearly knows I am not going to lick a live charger cable, it would be dangerous and potentially fatal. Yet, my imagination doesn’t listen to this logical part of the brain. Oh no, it’s too busy conjuring up a mental image of me actually doing it. This mental image comes complete with sounds, textures tastes, and some pretty gruesome Tarantino-style blood effects to boot.

Electrocution hand buzzer batman jokerSoon, this image is all I can think of. I get less and less able to differentiate between what is the mental imagery and what my body is about to do. Then as a flash, I think I’m actually going to do it. I’m going to put that cable in my mouth and I’m going to die. I’m going to do it, but I really don’t want to. Why the hell would I do this? I start to try to imagine the pain I would be in. Then I get the image of that guy from the first Batman movie with Michael Keaton and the hand buzzer. That’s charred up skeleton will be me.

The thoughts of pain and death are now bolstered with sad thoughts about the people I’ll leave behind.

Aaaaargh!

I throw the cable down and walk away, out of breath, keeping one eye on the cable lying on the floor, almost as if it should come alive and force its will on me.

So, that’s all fun. Right? Hmmm ok, not so much.

Luckily, I don’t get the full experience every time as I’d never get to charge my phone, but the thought crosses my mind, and if I’m not careful, here comes Technicolor.

There we go, hope you’re still here and not walking backwards from me slowly.

Unsafe Containers

English: Dermatophagia - extreme nail biting /...Today’s Postaday daily prompt is…

 “Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?”

This is quite the question to ask of the emotional marathon man that is me.

Since a very early age, circumstance has taught me to bottle absolutely everything up. Anger and fear should only ever be expressed in a light-hearted, jovial manner, and all the more positive emotions such as happiness, love, generosity etc should be secured even more tightly, for surely there is nothing as weak as a happy and pleasant  person.

I know the above isn’t logical, but you try telling my sub-conscious that. It delights in protecting me from all emotion, and ensuring I try to live as hollow and as clinical a life as possible. As a young man this was the double aged sword of protecting me from all the hurt of possible romantic rejection, but at the same time it stopped me from taking any chances at all, in regards to romance. In short I was protecting myself from a situation that I had put myself into.
Luckily, and I don’t know which gods (higher or lower) were smiling on me the night I met my future wife, but from that point she has done her absolute best to smash through these barriers, and fair play to her, she has done an astounding job. In fact in some social situations, I could almost be considered normal.

All this pre-amble doesn’t answer the question, out of all the suppressed emotions nestling for submission in my soul, which is the one I find hardest to suppress? Well it’s anxiety. Is anxiety an emotion? Well, in this case it is.

Anxiety is the exception to my subconscious rule. This feeling has a free rein to run amok, and destroy anything it wants. Any thought what-so-ever is warped and polluted by this rather unnecessary evil, and these thoughts happen anywhere and without warning….

Such as…

… most of these thoughts stem from my OCD. I know this, however it doesn’t stop me feeling sick with nerves or sweating profusely.

Though, writing posts like this helps. I’m telling people but I’m not actually physically telling people. The more I write about the stuff that goes in my head, the more it helps me to get some semblance of control over it.

Well, that’s enough about me. Which of your emotions do you allow out of the box most often?

 

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